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Lost

There are times I keep on questioning myself on why am I here? Why am I doing what I am doing? Is it that worthwhile to do the things I thought I am supposed to do or asked to do?

These are the questions running in my head now. I may know the answer before but now it is starting to vague. I am starting to question my intention or the will which I am supposed to follow. It is sad that people thought I am that good where in fact I am not. They even thought that I maybe a super human which I am not. I am not okay.

I always thought I have found my track but it seems the road I am heading is starting to fade. I have always thought that I have the best things in my life but right now they seem to be wrong.

I have been asking why these things are happening. As to when these things will leave me. But no answer. Nothing at all. Am I drunk? Am I crazy? Have I totally lost my mind? Am I sick? Oh dude, I need help. I am drowning. I am sucking these flowers out of my head. I am petrified. It is heavy.

I needed to be freed. I needed to come out of this shit!. Yes, I have to or else I do not know what I will do.

I sometimes thought I am not normal or my life is not normal at all. Or maybe my mind is not in good shape. I needed His embrace but I felt scolded. Did I plan to have this kind of gift which they think contradicting to what You said. I asked You more than enough to remove it and have it as my way of saying You are alive in me because you took something they thought is wrong but instead changed it with a more valuable thing in their eyes. I did not intend to consider whatever they thought I am because I did not intend to please as I do not have to prove myself. But why is it that this thing I have is seemingly making them sick. Why they can admit it that I really can see things which a normal eye could not see? Why they could not admit it that maybe the reason why I see things which are limited to bare eyes to see is to tell people that this other battle is real. It is supernatural and surreal.

I could no longer sing songs I have for You. I could no longer sing why I have life. Is it just testing me on how strong I am? Or how sure I am that You are there for me? To tell You honestly, I don't feel like I am so secured  now. I don't like You go with me. I thought I am now walking alone. I am now starting to doubt the promise You gave me which is, "I will not leave nor forsake you, for I am always with you." So have given me the instructions to not  be afraid and dismayed. But now, I am.

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